And then I ate it!" exclamed the excited student, speaking of the apple she had recently been seen with. "And you washed it...?" asked the science teacher, horrified, "You know not washing everything you eat can result in diseases like Schmobersociosis." "Well I you can't expect me to wash EVERYTHING!" "Yes I can." "...fine!" "As I was saying, class, you must wash anything and everything you eat thoroughly with Bleach and Highly Concentrated soap. Yes, this includes what we give you here at school. Schmobersociantonistis is deadly!" "Hehehe, can you imagine cleaning a hamburger with Bleach?" snickered a student quietly, but his small voice was easily picked up by the towering and problably long-dead science teacher. "Class! Here's an idea. Let's do some immune-system role-playing! You, who were talking. You get to be a Schmoobentosis virus. Everyone else, you're antibodies. So TAKE HIM DOWN!" Immediately the entire class turned on that poor unlucky boy who we must never forget. Although his body has passed into a closed casket and his soul into heaven, he lives in our memories forever. A moment of reflective silence please. "You see, the Schmorbentistis virus can easily be destroyed, but there is a large chance you can still get it if you have not thoroughly disinfected your food." exclamed the teacher, triumphantly and only fifty minutes after school's dismissal, "You can go now, but remember to disinfect the doorknob before using it!" Of course no one did this; subsequently, everyone failed horribly the class for the day. The demonic neat-freak science teacher's name we must not utter, so we'll call him Mr. Meltyhuggle. He had a car painted white for the color of latex gloves and doctors' offices, White was also the color of his skin, which was quite flaky and dead. The car was covered inside and out with that icky plastic wrap that people put on couches to ward off dust and Schloberstomi...whatever it is. Truth is he made it up to bother students. His exact age? No one's quite sure. Artifacts have been found showing a small pale man being chased angrily out of town in Egypt circa 1774 B.C., pointed to a rather old age; also, someone in Rome circa 100 AD has records of him telling a story about meeting Juilius Caesar, if "pale whiny freak" identifies Mr. Meltyhuggle. He drove home, wiper-things on the whole way, with a nice device constantly spraying the car with disinfectant that smelled of [expletive]. After getting home, he passed through his airlock and entered the temple of cleanliness he loved, and what did he find? We'll never know, for he was found dead the next day. Since we don't know what really happened we'll take some artistic liscence. Artistic liscence is good. He found a huge mess and in the middle a pale figure of a man he had once known, JACOB BARLEY. Jacob Barley said in a ghostly voice, "Mr. Meltyhuggle, your ways must stop lest you suffer my fate..." he gestured to his nose and eyes (or the lacks thereof) "you will be visited...by three ghosts!" "OH GOD NO! Ghosts are nasty and dusty." "SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO THE GHOSTS." "...kay." Just as this was spoken, a fairy appeared, cloaked in gold and silver et cetera, saying to Meltyhuggle "I AM THE GHOST OF CLEANLINESS PAST! I will show you your past. Come with me," and she took Meltyhuggle by the neck and forcibly shoved him into thr past. "DO you remember this place, Meltyhuggle?" "...no." "This was your old school when you were a child!" "Schools didn't exist when I was a child." "Dammit. Let's go farther back then." And farther and farther back they went, and the fairy said when she stopped "Was this dinosaur your teacher?" "No." "...." "Well his father may have been." ".................." "What's the point? It's pretty mucky here." "THIS IS NOW OFICIALLY WHERE YOU GREW UP, OKAY?" "But--" "I WILL KILL YOU." "...kay." "See, meltyhuggle? You weren't always the neat-freak you are now. See, there's you!" "That's not me." "QUIET." "See, he doesn't have cookbooks like "Cooking Sanitarily" and "Low-Impurity Eating," he has things like "Cooking with Crude Oil!" "But that isn't me." "I HAVE A KNIFE." "...kay. That was me I guess." "Let's go forward to w...ah forget it. Back to your house with you!" And so Meltyhuggle flew through time into his house, to find yet another ghost. "I am the ghost of Cleanliness Present, ho ho ho!" merrily laughed the highly obese ghost, "Let's look at what's happening to you're students!" Mr. Meltyhuggle had never been in the house of his teaching assistant. He didn't even know he had one. But it looked convincing enough. "Oh, woe is me! I have no disinfectant. #### that Mr. Meltyhuggle for stealing it all." cried his assistant, "That greedy neat-freak!" "See what you've caused, Melty?" asked the ghost. "That's Meltyhuggle to you." "Same thing." "Let's visit Dinky Donk's house now." "Who's he?" "That student you killed." "...which one?" "Today." "...which one?" "...you don't deserve me. Back to the house with you." Meltyhuggle, back at his house, wept, for the next ghost appeared and scared the #### out of him using a megaphone and the word "Boo!" "I am the ghost of Cleanliness present. You will come with me." "No!" "You have no choice," and Meltyhuggle materialized in a graveyard. "See? Read the tombstone." "It says...Nitewatch, dead of a fatal crash." "No it doesn't." "Yes it does." "Crap. We'll have to go a little farther into the future then." Meltyhuggle came out on a small asteroid with a tombstone, and his digital watch read "4000000 AD," much to his surprise. "Now read THAT grave!" "Oh no! It says Mr. Meltyhuggle, freshly dead." "Do you want to DIE like this? So far in the future everyone you know and love is dead?" "Like whom?" "...well, you know." "No I don't, actually." "Ah, fack it. Obviously this whole cleanliness thing has completely ruined your mind. I will kill you now," and in that breath Meltyhuggle materialized back in his house, dead. And there was much rejoicing. (yay!)