I LOVE HORSES: A Magnificent and Coherent Musical

LIBRETTO—if anyone wants to write the music I’d be surprised delighted

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Little Lucy – soprano. An adorable little girl.
Lydia –alto. Little Lucy’s friend, has an evil plan that Little Lucy interferes with.
Lawyer – tenor. Advocates against Little Lucy in her trial.
Judge – Bass. Condemns Lucy to exile for hating horses.
Crowd – The crowd that assaults Lucy as she sleeps.
Man – Tenor. A man of many identities.
Police Chorus – The group of policemen in “police headquarters.”
Deckard – Tenor. An honest policeman.
Jerry Folgiers – Tenor. An evil criminal.
Policeman – Bass. The ultimate authority in all matters, public and private.

Act I, scene i:
Scene: A beautiful meadow where Little Lucy is standing near a bench and a lamppost.

Little Lucy:
I am indifferent towards horses,
Most mediocre of all the animals,
I am indifferent towards horses,
They are my acquaintances.
*sigh*
I am indifferent towards horses…
They’re my acquaintances.
*plops down on bench*
And maybe that’s just my problem
Maybe that’s why I have these issues;
Though I try, I just can’t solve ‘em,
unbreakable, like iron tissues.
Maybe that’s why I’m depressed,
Maybe that’s why I always feel
Empty somehow, and distressed…
I just don’t know what’s real!
Horses, horses, what to do?
Horses, what do they mean to you?
*a group of horses gallop past in the beautiful mountains in the background*
Oh…faraway creatures!
Graceful, neighing!
Galloping green fields!
What do they mean
To me, poor Lucy,
As the ice in my heart congeals?

Enter Lucy’s friend Lydia.

Lydia:
Lucy, you’ve got to be kidding,
Horses are just stupid brutes,
Horses are really quite worthless,
And they’re not for you!

Lucy:
O, but my heart tells me to listen,
Listen to these words:
Horses are beautiful and graceful,
Maybe I do…love them?

Lydia:
Lucy, you’re going quite mental,
Such words are meaningless drool,
I’ll tell your parents immediately, 
Because you’re a fool!

Lucy: 
Please don’t do that!
They’ll send me packing away!

Lydia:
Ha ha, my dear!
It was just a harmless joke.

Lucy:
You had me scared….

Lydia: 
Just like I planned…

Lucy: 
You had me scared…

Lydia:
It was a trick,
A harmless trick,
So don’t get mad!

Lucy:
Oh, Lydia. You’re such a trickster. 

*Lucy leaves to go home because it is 11:00 PM and she is tired*

Lydia: 
Little does she know 
what she’s gotten into!
My web of lies
Is threatening to collapse!
What if she finds out?
What if some day
She smashes all my plans away?
There is no choice, 
I know my plan,
There’s only one way
To reach my goals,
And it most certainly
Does not involve foals!
*quietly, schemingly*
I’m afraid, my dear Lucy,
That our friendship is at an end:
My plan is inflexible,
And for you it cannot bend.
The only route
To my glorious end,
Is to give you “the choute”!...
You’re in the way, and you must go.
This I know, I know, I know…

Act I, scene ii
Scene: In Little Lucy’s log cabin. Her parents are both asleep or perhaps dead (the director of the specific production may decide this). Lucy enters the cabin quietly.

Lucy (whispering):
Sneaking, sneaking, sneaking sneaking,
Thus must I through this room creeping
Reach my room without a sound,
Not even a foot-floor pound,
So my parents, snoring, snoring,
Dreaming, dreaming, boring, boring,
Never wake up to find out
That I’ve been out and about!
Though I know I’ve not been sinning,
Smoking, dancing, or cavorting,
Though I know I’ve just been sitting,
Sitting, at the meadow bench,
They’re malicious and suspicious, 
They’ll suspect me, scheming, plotting,
All the things I could have done,
Things in which I’d find no fun!
…oh bed, bed, delicious bed!
Sleep is a mortal’s true delight!

(she falls asleep but is awakened by sounds)

What’s that noise outside my door?
What’s that pounding on the floor?
Could it be a crowd approaching—
What should I in that case do?
What should Little Lucy do?

Crowd: 
Little Lucy! Open now!
Little Lucy! Coward!
Little Lucy! Open now!
Stupid stupid Lucy!

Lucy:
No no no I can’t do that!
You’ll all kill me like a gnat!
Horrors! Horrors! Woe is me!
Where—o where are my friends?

Crowd:
You—have—no—friends—
You—de—serve—none—
You—dis—owned—them—
So—we’ve—heard!
 
Lucy:
From whom? From whom these lies?

Crowd:
Lydia ‘twas—but hark! 
We take you now to court!

(They grab Little Lucy and carry her to a makeshift courtroom outside her cabin)

Act 1, scene iii
Scene: A makeshift court outside Lucy’s cabin; the crowd surrounds the scene.

Lawyer:
Good evening, dear Judge, your honor!
The court will plainly show 
The little girl who now stands before you
Was caught red-handed hating horses!
Hating horses in a most conclusive manner!
This will not do….

Lucy:
No! I’m indifferent toward horses!

Judge:
The evidence before the court is incomprehensible; 
There’s no need for the jury to retire!
In all my years of judging I have never heard before
A human more deserving of the full penalty of law!
And yet to make you suffer, you disgusting horsey-hater,
I banish you henceforth from our good town!
Since, my friend, you must go now quite far away,
I give you here some tickets to the city!
Send her away!

Crowd: 
Send her away!

Judge:
Send her away!

Crowd: 
Send her away!
(etc.)

Act 2, scene i
Scene: In the big city, Lucy arrives with her baggage

Lucy:
Where—am—I?
Where—am I?

Homeless Man:
Some call it Carbon City!

Lucy:
Carbon City? Where is that?
Carbon City? Where is that?

Man:
We who dwell here
Know it well—
Here we call it, in the dark,
CRIME city!

Lucy:
Crime city!

Man:
YES…but stay clear!
The criminals will hurt you dear!

Lucy:
The criminals will hurt me dear?

Man:
Yes, criminals will hurt you dear!

Lucy:
Oh dear oh dear oh dear!

Man:
And criminals, just listen here,
Will beat you up and make you sear!

Lucy:
The criminals will make me sear?

Man:
Yes, criminals will make you sear!
And listen, dear! Just listen here!
They’ll kill you and they’ll make you sad!

Lucy:
They’ll make me sad?

Man: 
They’ll make you sad!

Lucy:
Oh dear oh dear oh dear….

Man:
But listen now…it’s not so bad!
If you listen up you’ll not be had,
And if you just watch out, my friend,
You’ll avoid a grisly end!

Lucy:
?

Man: 
You must understand, my deary,
What I must protect you from,
There’s a convict from the chain gang
He’s been ten years on the run,
But you mustn’t listen to him,
And you musn’t let him win,
You’d become another crim’nal,
And then that would be a sin.
Now my dear, I have a secret,
That I must reveal to you,
I am really a policeman,
I am here to catch that man…!

Lucy:
Who is he! Don’t leave it there!

Man:
They call him…Jerry Folgiers.
Come with me.

Lucy:
Whither?

Man:
To police headquarters! 

Act 2, scene ii
Scene: Police headquarters.
Music: Kyrie from Mozart’s Mass in C Minor, the first part ok

Man: 
Welcome to po-olice headquarters!

Police chorus: 
Welcome, welcome…etc. 
We fight crime…etc. (weaving together in the music)
Welcome Little Lucy…etc.
Crime is ba-a-a-a-ad!

Man:
But first, Little Lucy dear,
There is something I do fear,
Could you—be a crim’nal?
To the interrogation chamber!

(All music ceases. Actors speak normally.)

Man:
The Voigt-Kampff test will determine your criminality or innocence.

Lucy:
I’m no criminal.

Man:
Nonetheless, you must take the test.

Lucy:
What is your name?

Man: 
Garland.

Lucy:
Garland?

Garland:
Deckard, bring in the Voigt-Kampff Test.

Lucy:
I’m not a criminal.

Garland:
I see.

Lucy:
My father was a librarian.

Garland:
Fascinating.

Lucy:
You’re a criminal.

Garland:
I am.

Deckard:
I will ask you several questions and judge your emotional response. From thence we can determine if you are in fact a criminal.

Lucy: 
Sir, Garland is a criminal.

Garland:
We’ll have to perform a bone marrow test.

Deckard: 
He is. (Shoots Garland; Garland dies)

Lucy:
Thank you.

Deckard:
Am I a criminal when my boss was? Am I a part of a criminal organization?

Lucy:
Maybe this isn’t really the police.

Deckard:
Maybe.

Lucy: 
Maybe this “police headquarters” is really run by criminals to trap the real police.

Deckard:
Then is everyone here a criminal, including me?

Lucy:
Not necessarily.

Deckard: 
Flow my tears. (exits with gun in hand)

Lucy: (exits)

Act 2, scene iii: On the street.

Jerry Folgiers:
Come to me, Little Lucy….

Lucy:
Who is that?

Jerry: 
There you are, my dear,
And as the setting sun in streaks of orange descends,
The moon a pendant on your tranquil lips,
So I await your fall.

Lucy:
What’s…who are you?
What is this feeling
I’m feeling?

Jerry: 
I think you know.

Lucy:
Yes…
A heart full of crime…
A heart full of song…
I’m doing everything all wrong!
Oh God, for shame! I do not even know your name!
Dear criminal: won’t you say,
Will you tell….

Jerry:
A heart full of crime!
No fear, no regrets!
My name is Jerry Folgiers!

Lucy:
And mine’s Lucy!

Jerry:
Lucy, I don’t know what to say

Lucy:
Then make no sound.

Jerry:
I am lost.

Lucy: 
I am found.

Jerry:
A heart full of light!

Jerry & Lucy in unison:
A night bright as day!

Jerry:
And you must never go away!
Lucy, lucy!

Lucy:
And all the laws we will break!

Jerry:
Do I dream?

Lucy:
I’m awake.

Jerry & Lucy in unison:
A heart full of crime!
A heart full of you…

Lucy:
One single look, and then I knew….

Jerry:
So it’s true…
I never believed before
In one look I could ascertain
A perfect partner in violent crime.
Yet here you are!

ACT 3, scene i: on the street
Lucy, dressed as a criminal, with Jerry, performing various & divers crimes.

Jerry:
Die Zeit ist jetzt,
Die Nacht bleibt noch,
Wie herrlich unser Verbrechen!

Lucy:
Ist wahr, was du sagst,
Mein Verbrechenkamerad!

Jerry: 
Hoho! Die Nacht ist still,
Da kann ich durch die Straße laufen,
Und von Innozenten rauben,
Was ich von ihnen will! 

Lucy:
Seh mal hier, was ich gestohlen hab,
Es ist ‘ne Halskett’, die ein Vater gab
Seiner lieben Tochter wohl,
Doch jetzt gehört sie mir!

Jerry:
Hoho!

Lucy: 
Haha!

Jerry:
Durch Verbrechenstadt fliegen wir,
All ihre Nutzen bringst du mir,
Meine schöne kleine Lucy!
Lucy, Lucy, wenn du entschwandest,
All mein Gluck nehmst du mit dir!
Geht es hin wo du entschwandest,
Oder teilst du es mit mir?

Lucy:
Zwar mit dir, mein Liebchen!
Heiato! Heiatoho!
Hojotojoheiato!

Jerry:
Hojoto!
Hojotojoheia! Etc etc etc. (Music: the Ride of the Valkyries. Music should play for approx. three hours while the characters sing these lines before moving on. )

Lucy:
Was für ‘n Tag!
Ach, wie gut ist das Leben!

Jerry:
Das Verbrechenleben bringt solche Sachen:
Honig, Glück, und Freude,
Doch es kommt ein Unglück noch,
Im Polizeigebäude….
Sei vorsichtig, mein Schatz,
Damit die bösen Polizisten dich nicht sehn!

Lucy:
Macht nix!
Jerry, Jerry, wirf die Sorgen in die Luft!
Verbrechen ist ein schöner Beruf!
Jerry, Jerry, seine Seele ist so groß!
Nachts hier ist der Teufel los!

Jerry:
Wie wenig du weißt…
Weißt du, als du von Mühe schweißt,
Wofür du wirklich kämpfst?

Lucy:
Für den Hedonismus, glaubte ich….

Jerry:
Nein! So einfach ist’s nicht.
Wir haben noch ein größeres Ziel,
Das heißt, der Pferdenhass….

Lucy:
Pferdenhass?
Dafür darf ich
In meinem Dorf nicht
bleiben…
Dafür ward ich ausgebürgert!

Jerry:
Hoch! Also weißt du schon
Wofür wir kämpf’n als Lohn’!

Lucy:
Ja…wie gesagt…
Und zwar ist es so,
Dass ich sie hass,
Wenn sie so viel gegen mich taten!

Jerry:
Hier ist mein Lied,
Das ich geschrieben hab,
Ich sang es immer wenn in Not,
Und wenn es keine Hoffnung gab:
I HATE HORSES!
WORST OF ALL THE ANIMALS!
I HATE HORSES!
THEY’RE MY ENEMIES!
AAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHHGLIDSGLDSHGKLJSDHGKJSHD!!!!!!
I HATE HORSES!
THEY’RE MY ENEMIES!!!!!!

Lucy:
A lovely song, I do declare!
Though the middle part gave me a scare.

Jerry:
Let us sing it together,
Your voice and mine,
No matter what weather,
Always singing, no matter the clime!
Tomorrow night, we meet again,
And loot we will the streets!
Now, let us go then, you and I,
With the morning stretched out on the sky,
Like a patient etherized upon a table….

Act 3, scene ii: in Jerry’s house, evening

Jerry:
Such a lovely dinner is this.

Lucy:
Yes, my dear, it is.
What crimes have you planned
For tonight’s entertainment?

Jerry:
Oh, the normal…
A theft, a murder, a kidnapping too,
We’ll also steal a kangaroo
From the city zoo!
Then we’ll go and kill some folks,
Politicians, and eat egg yolks.

Lucy:
So little time we’ve been together,
Only four days, yet I don’t know whether
The sun has set upon our sky!

Jerry:
The purple lips of dawn await,
Where marmalade does strike the gate.

Lucy:
Have you ever considered what could happen
If we were caught…?
Our crimes are large…

Jerry:
Ha ha! No worries!
As long as you trust me….
The murders, and attacks, and thefts,
Are nothing, nothing, just consider
We advance our noble goal
And regard means as justifying the ends.
There is no sin in our action,
Hedonism and horsehate are our goals,
So eat, drink, and be merry!
Eat, drink, and be merry!

Lucy:
Eat, drink, and be merry!

Jerry: 
Eat, drink, and be merry! Etc.

Lucy: 
What’s that knocking on the door?

Jerry:
Take no heed. It’s just a prank.

Lucy:
The police! The police!
Here to arrest us?

Jerry:
Impossible.
Eat, drink, and be merry!
Eat, drink, and be merry!

Lucy:
And yet I fear
Something terrible nears….

Jerry:
Silence, girl.
Eat, drink, and be merry!
Eat, drink, and be merry!

Lucy:
I’ll answer the door….

Jerry:
As—you—wish.
Eat, drink, and be merry!
(Lucy opens the door and then runs and hides under the table)
Eat, drink, and be merry!
Would you like some dinner, sir?

(music: that part of Mozart's Don Giovanni where the Commendatore comes for Don Giovanni and stuff)
Policeman:
Jerry Folgiers! I have a warrant
To arrest you, and I shall do so!

Jerry:
This is nonsense and you know it.
You can do nothing to me!
Little Lucy, make a dinner
For this most polite policeman!

Lucy:
Jerry jerry jerry jerry, it appears we’ll be arrested!

Jerry:
Hurry up!

Policeman:
Stop right there!
You’re indicted on many strong charges,
You must face the court as defendant!
Come, now, to court, so the jury can judge you,
Come, now, to me, and the handcuffs will bind!

Jerry:
You’re a madman! 
You’re crazy!
Just go now!

Policeman:
Come face the judgment that you so deserve!

Jerry:
Keep on talking,
You’ll get nothing from me.

Policeman:
Come face the judgment that you so deserve!

Jerry:
Keep on talking.
You’ll get nothing from me.

Policeman:
You have the right to stay silent.
What you say can be used against you 
in a court of law!
Now come to me!
The swat team is waiting outside!

Jerry:
No!

(the swat team enters and shoots Jerry; Jerry dies. Little Lucy runs away)

Act 3, scene iii. On a hill overlooking a dark industrial wasteland.

Lucy:
What have I done?
What have I done?
How could I be so blind?
All is lost! Where was I?
Spoiled all, spoiled all,
Everything’s gone all wrong….
What have I done?
What have I done?
Find a deep cave to hide in,
In a million years they’ll find me,
Only dust, and a plaque,
That reads “HERE LIES LUCY, HORSE-HATER!”
But I never intended all this madness, ever!
And nobody really understood…well how could they?
That all I ever wanted was meaning in this nihilistic universe, 
Why does nothing every turn out like it should?
Well, what the heck!
I went and did my best!
And by God, I rid the world of Jerry Folgiers!
Not for a moment, why,
When I was involved in crime,
Did I ever really turn into a wretch! No sir!
And I just realized now, 
What has evaded me so,
A purpose in life…
A meaning for me…
And I, Lucy! Horse-hater extraordinaire!
have just reached this a great conclusion, 
‘cuz I realized that crime’s not the way to anything,
and by God, I’m really going to give it all my might!
And there’s still time to set things right…!
Horses, I had forsaken you,
but now, here I am, 
take my forgiveness….
Take my forgiveness…. (horses seen galloping in the background in beautiful green meadows)
Yes…I feel it now…
I feel the gladness—welling—in my soul--…!:
I…love horses…
Best of all the animals.
I…love…horses…?
They’re my…friends…?
Yes! Yes!
I LOVE HORSES!
BEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS!
I LOVE HORSES!
BEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS!

(the whole cast joins her on stage)
Entire cast:
I LOVE HORSES! 
BEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS!
I LOVE HORSES! 
THEY’RE MY FRIENDS!
LALALALLLALALALALA
I LOVE HORSES! 
THEY’RE MY FRIENDS!

FIN